Dear J. Crew...

I have some bones to pick with you my dear friend.

First of all, sending me a credit card? REALLY??? Yes, I know I called your office and pleaded mercilessly with one of your innocent employees to mail me one. Do you know why? Because when I originally applied for the card, in 2006, I begged not only the lovely store manager but also the delightful fellow on the other end of the phone to send the card to my address in Florida. What did you do? You sent it to my parents address in New York. My father promptly tossed the card in the trash. I was forced to schlep around the dogeared application with the account number written on it for nearly six months. This was terribly embarrassing. And ALL. YOUR. FAULT.

I got over it. And, for reasons unbeknownst to myself, I didn't think to order a replacement until now. Lord knows why, because I spend hundreds upon hundreds of dollars in your stores and I could have been racking up those $25 reward cards and free alterations in this duration of time. Not that I ever really need alterations - I'm blessed with long legs - but hey, I'm not one to turn down complimentary services.

So, it only took two years, but I finally have a real card with my name on it, placed snuggly in the slot next to the Neimans card. My sorority ID card was keeping it warm until that beautiful piece of green plastic arrived. I know. I'm just too cool.

And yes, I realize that I'm giving you the bona fide "REALLY MICHAEL VICK" for sending me a credit card, even though it was MY idea. But do you have any idea how much trouble you're about to get me into?!

On the mile trek to work (and back home again), I pass one of your stores. I don't stop in every day, because I'm on your website every day, and that would just be overkill. Not to mention pathetic. I dropped by several days ago and was delighted to see a small rack of seersucker dresses. All five of them were the same size. And not TAG-sized. Oh, look. My ride is here and it's a HUFF. I think I'll leave in it.

To add insult to injury, I found this dress online, ON SALE and in my size the following morning. You just think you're so sneaky, don't you?

Furthermore, I am incensed that you just charged me almost ELEVEN DOLLARS in shipping for a pique dress and a hair bow that I purchased online. A pique dress, that practically folds like paper, and a hair bow from crewcuts that will most likely not even fit around my big Jewish hair. Eleven dollars. For ground shipping in a little box.

But, aside from the fact that you have someone incompetent working in credit services who doesn't understand the meaning of, "MY PARENTS WILL KILL ME IF THEY SEE THIS CARD" (They didn't. They even paid the bill. God bless.)... and the fact that you don't match up your in store/online sales (And don't think I didn't notice that you hide sale items in your stock room and bring it out a season later and pretend that it 'just went on sale'. Because I SO. Totally. Did.)... and the fact that it would probably cost less for me to rent a car, drive to your factory in Virginia and pick up my goods rather then have them mailed to me...

I love you. I really, really do.

You're the best. Bar none. And even though it seems that every one of your collections is named after a foreign country, no one does American Girl like you. Or embroidery, or swim, or madras, or cardigans, or about most everything you do. NO ONE. You inhabit at least half of my wardrobe, and if it weren't for our mutual friend LP, you'd definitely be on me more. Promise. I'm only waiting on you to produce and sell undergarments. Preppy lingerie? I've about died and gone to heaven.

Thanks for the whales, the elephants, the spunk you add to my mailbox, the daily emails, the mini bottles of water you provide me with when I am parched and over-shopped, and most of all, for keeping this JGIWC well-dressed without completely breaking the bank.

And somehow, in your own way... You're Bringing Preppy Back. Even though, in my mind, it really never went away.

Anchors Aweigh,

TAG xxx

P.S. If any of you readers are getting married this summer and want to invite your favorite JGIWC... I'm just dying to purchase this dress.