Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up shaking. I sat at my desk to check the blog and almost threw up on my laptop. I felt empty and physically ill all at once.
I hid all day long. Whether it was beneath the sheets at home or behind big Gucci shades on the street, something inside of me wasn’t ready to face the world.
I decided to go to spin class to try and get some of my frustration out. I chose a bike near the fan, and it wasn’t until after class started that I realized I had stationed myself right where one mirror ends and another mirror begins. There was a line right down the middle of me; I was staring into a distorted reflection. That’s when I realized that yesterday, for the first time, I saw myself twice at once. And not just in two different mirrors.
Carrie Bradshaw once said, “Maybe the past is an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” Yesterday, I saw two TAGs: who I have always been and who I want to be. The problem is, I’m not sure who or where I am right now. I can look in all the mirrors in the world, but I still feel blind.
I said in my 100 things post that I make at least one wish every day, and yesterday I began to cry mid-wish. If there’s anything I’ve been confident about in my life, it’s that I’ve always gotten what I want. It occurred to as I closed my eyes and hoped for good things that right now, I’m not.
I don’t want to wake up sick. I want to wake up smiling.
13 comments:
put a smile on that face girlie and embrace who you are, changing and all!
you are amazing, talented, beautiful and fabulous, remember that always!
i hope that your spirits are lifted soon! in the meantime, focus on your blessings in life, and the people around you who love you and care about you. there are many. you write a lot about your wonderful family and friends and i am sure there are others! i'm sending happy vibes up to nyc!
chin up, tomorrow is a new day!
Big Hugs!
I think that everyone goes through a point like that in their lives. It's like some twisted test of character. Even though it might not seem like it - you'll be better for it. Some people go on forever never addressing it and they are miserable.
Remember - you only get to live one life, so make it the best you can!
We're all here for you if you need us!
-E
i second prep-e girl's comment.
and as a messed up cabinet told the heroine in "The Handmaid's Tale," don't let the bastards get you down.
emphasis on the bastards part.
I totally understand. And part of this, you realize, is living in New York. We are not allowed to be average here. If you haven't published a novel by age 22 and don't own an apartment/have fabulous husband, clothes, social life etc., you are made to feel like a failure. It's just a tremendous amount of pressure. You have the great clothes, social life, and you WILL get published. One foot in front of the other, my love. You'll get there.
Hang in there!! You have so much going for you and it will fall into place when it is meant to!
It will get better I promise, I totally know what you are going through. It's a scary time but change is good. Just to let you know your writing inspires me, so just remember that! Feel better.
Sweet Girl,
I had that Carrie Bradshaw quote on my fridge for years. you will figure it all out and it will be just as it should be.. There is no rush. Breathe in and enjoy this time. You are on the cusp of something huge. Keep pushing, keep going and you will get there. xo
I tagged you!!
I second the preppy vegan So much of what you are going through sounds NYC related. Its tough to live there and feel good enough. Too many perfect people. It can skew your sense of what's ok.
Teddi
That is absolutely one of my fave SATC quotes ever. It's like every time the edited reruns come on at 11 on ABC, if that episode is on, I watch it regardless.
I'm not going to lie, I don't really believe in facebook quotes, but that one is on there.
We're all growing up forever. I learned that in therapy once. And apparently, it never gets easier. That's the bad news.
the good news is that you get to keep growing and changing. It's pretty cool when you think about it.
And we always remember the bad more than the good. I often wonder why that is.
But that's a little too philosophical.
You're gorgeous, and the most Kappa person I know, not to mention that you were leadershipping like a pro in Ohio. so if you ever forget that someone can always remind you. Cause sometimes, even if it's for a moment, it's impossible to see in ourselves and that's scary. But that's why you have sisters, family, friends, and for you Lily.
Miss you tons.
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