I felt it fitting to respond to one of the comments I received from Friday's post:
"You girls keep always going for the jerks. There's something that is just attractive about them over the nice guy who's a little shyer. You fail to see the bad qualities in these guys until it is too late. If a guy is cheating on you or doesnt at all appreciate what you do for him then you should realize this sooner and get out. My other piece of advice is to give the unlikely candidate a chance."
Well said. The last sentence is my favorite. I'm not going to deny that you make a good point. I'm the first to admit that Ari Gold makes me go weak at the knees. There is something wildly attractive about men who are powerful and aggressive and, yes, jerks. What is it about them? The air of mystery, the limited words? Girls dream of being that one person that these men can soften and harden for all at once (no pun intended). I know I'm not the only gal who admires Mrs. Ari.
But in all honesty, if I had my choice of who I wanted to date among the Entourage cast, I wouldn't pick Ari. I'd pick E. (He's not Jewish, but hell, if we're in an alternate universe in which I get to choose a guy on my favorite show, I'm throwing religion right out the window along with reality.)
He's nice, shy, and the unlikely candidate. The value of a thoughtful, sweet, kind and caring guy is not lost on me.
However, what hasn't been mentioned is that there is a flip side to this. The Seth Cohens and the Dan Humpherys of this world only want the Summer Roberts and the Serena van der Woodsens. The nice, shy, unlikely candidates want to date girls who are beautiful and sexy and fiery and cool. Where does that leave me?
What about my chance?
i've been reading for a while and finally had to post.
ReplyDeletei think finding a guy when you are actively on the prowl is very tough. i truly believe that men can sense when you are desperately seeking a partner, and that can creep them out. especially the sensitive ones.(and the jerky guys know just how to mess with a girl in that state!)
in my experiences, men are far more attracted to me when i am attached. probably because i am completely disinterested in them at this point since i am attached and sure of myself. i am not saying all of this to advise you to play a hard-to-get/aloof game. i think its more about confidence and a strong sense of self, because my single girlfriends who have those qualities have a far easier time snagging men than the ones who are obviously single. they also attract fewer of the jerky types.
just my two cents!
well said!
ReplyDeleteI don't usually do this, but in response to the first comment:
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to put out your thoughts. I agree with what you are saying; however, purpose of the entry is solely to point out that there is a flip side to this stigma and I can't recall someone taking the time to write it down. I appreciate your thoughts but I also feel it necessary to point out that I considered altering my post after reading this because I was afraid my thoughts are being taken far too literally. But, I read over again and decided that I will let people take from it what they want and I will take your good advice to heart.
I took a shot on the most unlikely guy ever.
ReplyDeleteHe was not my type at all. I was looking for that PhD who walked out of GQ. Instead I got DF.
And, I found out that after giving him a chance - he is smarter than any PhD I have ever known (to a scary sense) and maybe will never walk out of GQ - but, is still pretty darn cute to me! He loves his family and friends and works his bottom off to provide me a life I dream of. And, to think I would have missed all of that because I was stuck looking for a stereotype.
-E
Excellent post. I agree whole-heartedly. I have dated both sides--shy and bady boy. They bothhave they're advantages but it is true, you want to be the girl to soften the bad boy. and the "shy guys" I've dated actually told me that I just wasn't "pretty" enough. It's a hard line to walk, especially after being engaged and having the guy dump you by telling you that he only used you as a well to rebel against his parents (and he was a shy nice guy!!).
ReplyDeleteI also don't completely agree with the first comment. I know girls that are confident and they still just get jerky guys. I don't "actively" look (how can I when I spend all day at home lookin for a job--or doing school previously) and I get nothing.
I think in everyone's situation things are different...there's really no "magic key"--though we may wish there was--to how to "be" to get the good guy.
Girls like us just gotta know that we'll get what we want in the end and it will be fabulous!
**Hugs!**
Ohhh I agree! Mr. Newlywed is unlike ANYONE else I have ever dated. Not what I thought was my type anyway. I could do a whole post on it...maybe one day I will...
ReplyDeleteMs. Mindless:
ReplyDeleteJust want to make sure I am getting it right-I need a boyfriend to get a better boyfriend? -Unclear.
JGIWC, who I know personally, is extremely self-confidant and the fact that you insinuated differently is a shame. Since you know all of absolutely nothing about her. Not how I would play out my first comment on a blog…..
TAG my love, not news to you; some people just don't get us. I thought your insight was brilliant per usual.
xoxo
Thanks for posting my comment.
ReplyDeleteSome followup comments that I think are especially true in new york city is the problem of too many options. With so many attractive people constantly in our face everyday, it makes it hard to give someone you are seeing a real chance. Everyone wants to trade up so to speak and thus people get bored very easily.
Also to comment on what you said JGIWC, I think the kind of guys you want to date arent going to be so concerned with dating a Summer Roberts. The shy guy that does want someone like that probably has an ego and self-worth that is way too big. I am actually surprised to read in the comments about this happening so often. What kind of guy tells a girl she isnt pretty enough?
I found your post to be incredibly inciteful. I know personally that I go for the "bad" guy because of the challenge and it's just hot. I have yet to change one yet, but unfortuately I have a feeling that I will keep trying.
ReplyDeleteThe sweet shy guys scare me off.
CJ - Why do they scare you off?
ReplyDelete"The nice, shy, unlikely candidates want to date girls who are beautiful and sexy and fiery and cool."
ReplyDeleteNot quite sure I agree with that...no nice guy puts that type of girl in the 'want to be with' category, just the occasional 'want', but even that is only temporary...no mystery there...you know what you're gonna get
hey tag (and aeg too:)!
ReplyDeletei am not saying that you need a boyfriend to get a better boyfriend. i am shared what i have observed with my friends and in my own experiences. i was also not meaning to insinuate that jgiwc is desperate. i am super sorry if it seemed that way! my comments were meant to be more on the rhetoric side and about what i've noticed amongst my friends. i am sorry that you both thought it was a personal jab! it definitely wasn't.
tag- don't alter your posts. i think the discussions that arise in blog comments are really neat to read! it means you are a good blogger, you inspired a debate!
I've just read a very funny article in the Daily Mail about beta men vs alpha men. The sad fact about aplha men is that they will always be the most important person in their lives. Sometimes you've gotta think about the partnership you'll make, and the qualities the guy will bring to a relationship, rather than just their success and appeal as an individual. Hope I'm making sense here!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with the Seth Cohen and Dan Humphrey line, they do only want the Serenas and Summers of the world. There's just no winning..and you know what we can like who we want!
ReplyDeletea little confidence and open mindedness go a long way in finding mr. right. If you show how confident you are while not seeming snotty or aloof you can be very approachable.
ReplyDeletegiving the unlikely candidate a chance means not being quick to judge based on his job, financial status, or the way he dresses. Getting to caught up in these things could cause you to miss out on your perfect guy. Someone who cares more about who you are than anything superficial.
Maybe a little dose of reality; instead of comparing all those TV/movie men and women. Those are fictional charachters and their romances are also fictional. Real men do not act like Seth Cohen, Ari Gold, or Dan Humphreys. Also, there are no Summer Roberts or Serena van der Woodsen's of the world. Just women like you and me. If you expect movie romance you will be disappointed. You have to find romance in the reality of every day situations.
This is going to be a bit scattered and perhaps long - but here goes: 1) you ARE beautiful - trust me I've seen photos. More importantly you are INTELLIGENT - which says a lot more to me than Samaire Armstrongs statement hair or Summer Robert's cleavage. 2) You don't have to be a bitter and perpetually sarcastic piss ant to be "fiery" and entertaining. 3) I second Prep-E's sentiments. I don't tend to go for the Ari Gold's of the world, but I do have a history with intellectual alphas. I think them to be the worst kind of arrogant to this day. In spite of not being particularly athletic/stylish/anything-else-desireable they still had egos the size of Montana. Yikes. Then I met Sam. Sam sitting at the table with glasses and a beard. Double yikes. I gave him a shot though, and turns out that the bushy, acerbic witted Lorax looking fellow has been the other half of the most rewarding relationship I've been in.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up - they're out there :) - they just might come in unexpected packaging and with ribbon tied in a lopsided bow.
TAG, I love you! Your blog is so thoughtful and I just love to read it!
ReplyDeleteIf I can chime in with all the other comments: First of all, Dan Humphrey and Seth Cohen were whiny nerds who creppily fixated on the "popular" girls until the girls finally noticed these creeps and decided to date them. Sorry, but its true! They were totally creepy until the story line actually included them dating and then we all fell in love with these "shy, quiet" types.
Anyway, back to your post, I, too, am totally turned on by the Ari Gold type. Who isn't? I dated a very Ari-ish guy (who subsequently blew me off the day of my counsin's wedding, to which he had said he'd go with me!), and I tried and tried to get him to change. People don't change, or let me say they don't change unless they really want to! I was sad, but fate, it seems, took over that day, because a guy I had just met bailed me out and went to the wedding with me. Now he and I are planning our own wedding.
TAG...you are a Summer Roberts! You have to know that! I mean I've always considered myself to be a catch and I found a guy who agrees! So will you!
I know its hard sometimes, but how can you know how good the guy you have is when you've never dealt a jerk? I hope that someday soon you find the best guy, and I REALLY hope you have tons of fun while you're on your path to meeting him! You deserve it, my dear!
Brilliant post-you hit the nail on the head about the Seth Cohens and the Dan Humpherys of the world.
ReplyDeleteYour boy is out there, you will find him!
On a side-note, my boyfriend has this roommate, if your interested...