Temple Talk

We sat in the second row at synagogue today. The only time I've ever prayed that close to the bima was at my sister's Bat Mitzvah. We usually sit further back on the High Holidays for several reasons: it's easier to sneak out for breaks; we can eat candy out of my dad's talis bag; and we can whisper to one another. Being in close proximity to the rabbi, however, did not stop us from doing the last on the list.

Allow me to preface this by saying that my mother believes that she will be inscribed in the Book of Life (kind of sort of our version of heaven) if she brings two Jewish people together and they fall in love. In Judaism, this is called a Shidduch. In my life, it's called GIVE UP.

MOM, while pointing to a guy in the first row (nearly 5 seats down): "He's cute!"
TAG, while shrugging: "He's okay."

Enter the fish from Spongebob Squarepants with a sign that says TWENTY MINUTES LATER and a voiceover with a French accent...

MOM, motioning towards the same guy: "He's really cute!"
TAG, face in her hands: "He's fine."
MOM: "Come on."
TAG: "Too late. Swore off guys yesterday."
MOM: "Why?"
TAG: "Tired of disappointment."
MOM, eyes widening: "There are nice guys out there!"
TAG, raising eyebrows: "Really?"
MOM: "Well... he's cute!"

Did I mention that we are loud whisperers? This guy probably heard the entire conversation. I'm not entirely sure that his leaving the service early wasn't coincidence.

Later on, my father was called up to open the ark (closet where the Torah is kept). The rabbi also called up a younger guy with my dad to close the ark. My mother, seeing that Bachelor Number One had exited, jumped at the chance.

MOM: "Look at him! He's cute! He may be too old for you but I'm not sure."
TAG, eyes rolled: "I think he's married."
MOM, looking over him again: "Maybe not! He's cute."
TAG: "I hate his hair."
MOM: "I thought you liked Jewfros!"
TAG: "It's not a good one. His hair is too big."

Several moments later, after the prayed had concluded and my dad had sat back down, he leaned over.

DAD: "He was young!"
MOM: "That's what I said!"
DAD: "He was wearing a nice suit."
DAD: "His hair was too big."
TAG: Puts face into hands and moans.

L'Shana Tovah.

"For $150, you could own this joint..." - Rabbi