In the first half of the last episode of The Wonder Years, Kevin left home because he felt like he needed to find himself. He drove to the resort that Winnie was working at and after a hell of a lot of rigmarole, they made love and the promise of forever to one another. And that was it. The show was over and it was the end.
When I first saw this episode, I didn't understand why Kevin felt a sudden urge to find himself, or why he thought escaping was the right way to go about it. I know now that finding yourself is sort of like falling in love - when you stop searching for it, it finds you.
The last time I saw my ex-boyfriend, he was in New York City on business and we had dinner. At that point, we had been broken up for almost two years, but we kept in close contact, literally and figuratively. That night, we sat in the backseat of a cab, crying and kissing simultaneously. Though neither of us realized at the time or dared speak of it, somewhere deep down we knew in that moment it was really over. It had to end.
I haven't seen him since.
It was around then when everything (else) in my life sort of fell apart. My heart felt half empty. For the longest time I was blindly grasping for something, anything to make it feel full again. It was only when I opened my eyes that I truly found myself.
I am candid. I wish for the same exact thing multiple times a day, every day, and I always will. In cold weather, I wear one less layer of clothing than most people do because I'd always rather be cool than warm. It is a rare day when I remember to put on both my earrings and my watch. I always thank people at least twice. I put my right hand over my heart when something touches me, as though I'm pledging allegiance to all things wonderful.
And, for so long, all I felt was the end of something. Somehow, in a whirlwind, the finale is over, and this feeling of newness has slithered toward me and wrapped itself around me, enveloping me in hope.
It feels like the beginning of something good.