Yesterday a friend said to me, "You've still got it!"
To which I said, "I never knew I had it to begin with!"
To which SHE said, "You have SUCH a skewed view of yourself."
She's right - I do. I feel like I've come a long way, but I think it's a never-ending journey.
The day of my parents' anniversary party, I made plans for Perri and I to get our hair and makeup done. I think there's a lot of New York exterior here but in our hearts we are Southern girls who love to get gussied up and have big hair. I went to 11 formals in high school (which is par for the course in Texas) and one of my favorite things is to get my hair and makeup professionally done. I think probably because I've never felt like I was good at doing my own makeup and I really only felt like I could look nice if I let somebody else take care of the details. I got my hair done in curls, my eyes done up all smokey, and put on my new Theory dress. I looked in the mirror... and I didn't feel like me. I didn't look like me. I looked like a clown.
It was then I realized that for the first time ever, I like the way that I do my own makeup and hair better than I like they way they did it.
This was kind of a huge, startling revelation for me. I used to look in the mirror and feel like the opposite of pretty. I'd stick my tongue out at myself and walk away. I have girlfriends who tell me about how confident they are and how attractive they feel and I think, "Wow, that's awesome". I can't imagine what it's like to have that sort of self image. But lately, something inside me has changed. Something clicked. I look in the mirror and feel... fine. I feel satisfied. I will never gaze at my reflection and think, "Hey gorgeous!" - it's not who I am and I'm okay with that. I'm simply thrilled to have migrated from discontent to indifference. I've realized that it doesn't matter so much what's happening on the outside because I feel really good about what's transpired on the inside.
And that's more than enough. I do have 'it'. And whatever 'it' is... I'm loving every moment.