You gotta go there to come back

I promised myself a long time ago that the next time I fell in love, I'd write about it. In love letters and book chapters and journal entries.

This isn't that.

This is about a past love that I never really took the time to document or savor. The way people spill on PostSecret or how season 7 of Curb was essentially a love note to Larry's ex-wife. I realize now that life is short and you should tell people how you feel, often.

I digress.

This past weekend I traveled to my college town. It's the third time I've been back since graduating almost four years ago, but it took me three years before I was able to go back at all.

I went through an excruciating breakup during the second half of my senior year. The relationship did a 180° very quickly and unraveled like yarn with a cat tugging on the loose end. Everything changed within days and those were the toughest few months of my life. I cried at every stoplight. Sleep was literally my only relief. By the time graduation rolled around, I was more than ready to get the hell out of there. I left with an awful taste in my mouth and didn't look back for a very long time.

Last March I gave in and made the trip to visit one of my dear friends. And it was surprisingly wonderful to be back. It only gets better each time. The wounds are healed. And like I said last week, I can't keep completely discrediting who I was back then. I did the best I could and so much has changed. This October I will stand in aforementioned dear friend's wedding in the city that gave me my first love, and I will be infinitely thankful for the abundance of love in my life today.

Simply put, it will always be complicated. Therre are too many layers of emotion, multiple memories tucked away in pockets of the city that sneak up on me like rattlesnakes. At one point we were near your old house. Couldnt say just where I was... it was night and the streets were dark, and these are roads I haven't truly traveled in years. But I knew. I felt it. Something inside stung. It was only then, back in the throws of where our love blossomed and dissinigrated, that I saw clearly. We were young and stupid. I was a very naive version of who I am now. I was stubborn and uncomfortable in my own skin. When it was good it was so good, but the end was the worst pain I've ever known.

While being back, I realized there is no one else I could have or would have experienced it all with. It made sense for us and I'm grateful for the time we shared. Much of it was wonderful. The lessons I took away are invaluable. I have done my very own 180°, only for the better. And though you'll probably never know it, I wish you only the best life has to offer and I hope that wherever you are, you're really, truly happy.

I know I am.