I had a number of girls ask me in the past year for tips on how to be a good bridal party member. Looking back on the past few weddings I've been in, there are definitely some things I would have done differently, and there are some things I am really proud of. Here are my suggestions to be a kick-ass maid.
Don't complain. Just don't do it. About anything. Keep a smile on your face. I was absolutely guilty of this at times and I know now that it's best to keep your mouth shut. It's THEIR day, not yours. Go with the flow and stay positive.
When I am anxious, I get sick to my stomach. My nerves literally attack my body and there's no quick fix. I was actually physically ill for a portion of AEG's wedding weekend but I think anyone who was around me (other than my parents and Perri, because I told them) would be surprised to hear that. I pushed it aside and I was fine.
Don't send the bride suggestions. On dresses, on invitations, on flowers. If she wants your opinion, I promise she will ask you for it.
Even an email link and a "this SO reminds me of you!" can annoy a future bride. I've seen it happen. You mean well, but it doesn't always come off right.
Make the best of it. It's called a bridesmaids dress for a reason. They're not made to be sexy or super-flattering. I find that these days most brides are pretty laid back about shoes and accessories. I was very concerned about wearing comfortable shoes for AEG's wedding, but I also wanted them to be cute! I ended up finding the perfect hybrid of form and function and have already worn them to another wedding (and I've owned them for all of two weeks)! (If you're in the market for a strappy, dressy pair of heels - I can't recommend these enough. The built in platform makes it easy to wear them for hours at a time, and they're pretty and well-priced. Win win win.)
Ask what you can do. Again and again and again. Sometimes even the smallest tasks can be more helpful than you realize. If you think of something that no one else has mentioned yet, bring it up. Does the bride have all of the underpinnings she needs for her dress? Has someone arranged to bring mimosas and snacks to the bridal suite/salon? Can you be the gopher who handles the gift exchange between the bride and groom? (I was. I loved bringing AEG's gift for BCV to his suite and carrying back his gift to her.) There are SO many details that go into planning a wedding. It's easy for things to fall through the cracks at the last minute. Do what you can to keep everything on the up and up.
If you're the Maid of Honor, enlist the bridesmaids for help. If you're a bridesmaid, reach out to the Maid of Honor to ask what you can do. I've found that the best effort is a team effort. I don't have one group; all of my girlfriends are spread out. I've met new people in each bridal party I've been in. Even if you don't know everyone or if everyone else knows one another and you're the odd man out, keep smiling and make yourself a part of the group. If there isn't a Maid of Honor and no one else is taking the reins, you should.
Expect mishaps. Step in when you're needed - don't wait to be asked. I'm not going to name names, but the company we used for our bridesmaid dresses screwed up. They made the dresses in the wrong material. Imagine my panic when I opened the box to find a cotton sateen dress that should have been silk. I didn't want to freak Alyson out but I also knew that we had to figure this out ASAP - as it was, we were behind schedule. When I told her I received the dress, I noted that the color was beautiful (ALWAYS pair a positive with a negative). I then confirmed with her that the fabric was in fact wrong and she contacted the company. They said they'd redo them. Then Hurricane Sandy happened, and they were set back even more. Time was of the essence. From then on out, I told Alyson I would handle it. I CC'd her on every email so she wasn't out of the loop, but I wanted her to know that I was taking this off her plate so she didn't have to worry (as much) about it anymore. I made it clear to the dress company that they needed to fix this and quickly. They said they would. Knowing we were short on time, I started to quietly research elsewhere in case we needed to make other arrangements. I was ready to put four new dresses on my credit card... there was NO way I was letting anyone wear cotton sateen to a black tie optional wedding. Not happening.
In the end, the dresses were delivered to my apartment a few days before I left. They were beautiful and worth the trouble. Mine fit like a glove and we all got tons of compliments. Listen, you live and learn. But... I think my bridesmaids will be in J. Crew. Those people know what they're doing. Next!
Do as much as you can. I was very fortunate in that my family attended both of the weddings I was in this year. My parents graciously paid for my plane tickets and hotel room both times, which was a huge help. Listen, it adds up. Dresses, shower gifts, bachelorette parties... I highly recommend starting to set aside money as soon as you're asked to be in a bridal party. It's very expensive to be an adult. My mom and dad were hugely helpful in both instances but I still wish I hadn't shopped so much at the beginning of the year when I knew I had other financial obligations. I wish I'd been more careful with my personal spending, but like I said, you live and learn.
The bride (most likely) understands that while it's an honor for you, it's also a lot to ask. Do the best you can. If the bridal shower and bachelorette party are not held on the same weekend and both require travel, tell the bride you can only afford to attend one and ask which is more important to her. Be gracious. (Go back to the first rule - do NOT complain about expensive airfare or accommodations but if you have to vent to someone, call your mom or someone who is likely to be sympathetic.) Remember, you have a whole year after the wedding to give a gift. If you're spent by the time the big day arrives, wait six months and send them something really great when you have a bit more cash at hand.
Listen and pay attention. I'm clueless. I had no idea how to bustle a dress or take a veil out of an updo. Introduce yourself to the wedding planner/coordinator and don't be afraid to ask questions. I've learned a lot about weddings this year. Know where you're supposed to be and when - for the rehearsal, for the ceremony, for pivotal moments at the reception. Don't be clueless. Be a know-it-all.
Have fun! It's a happy occasion. It's easy to let a milestone such as this highlight your current romantic situation... Are you single? Waiting for your guy to pop the question? Don't. It's about her. Don't make it about you, no matter how tempting. Comparing is far too easy and it rarely ends well.
I once sat through a meal and literally didn't open my mouth once (other than to eat) because the conversation revolved around rings, flower arrangements, and future baby names. And you know what? It sucks. I was single and going through a really rough time and it was a dagger to my heart to sit with engaged friends and feel like such a loser. But you can't expect people to keep quiet about their own happiness because they're afraid of rubbing it in your face. As unfair as it feels to be the odd one out, it's not fair to ask others to tone down their excitement, either. Keep smiling. Get up and dance. Your day will come.
Ask what you can do. Again and again and again. Sometimes even the smallest tasks can be more helpful than you realize. If you think of something that no one else has mentioned yet, bring it up. Does the bride have all of the underpinnings she needs for her dress? Has someone arranged to bring mimosas and snacks to the bridal suite/salon? Can you be the gopher who handles the gift exchange between the bride and groom? (I was. I loved bringing AEG's gift for BCV to his suite and carrying back his gift to her.) There are SO many details that go into planning a wedding. It's easy for things to fall through the cracks at the last minute. Do what you can to keep everything on the up and up.
If you're the Maid of Honor, enlist the bridesmaids for help. If you're a bridesmaid, reach out to the Maid of Honor to ask what you can do. I've found that the best effort is a team effort. I don't have one group; all of my girlfriends are spread out. I've met new people in each bridal party I've been in. Even if you don't know everyone or if everyone else knows one another and you're the odd man out, keep smiling and make yourself a part of the group. If there isn't a Maid of Honor and no one else is taking the reins, you should.
Expect mishaps. Step in when you're needed - don't wait to be asked. I'm not going to name names, but the company we used for our bridesmaid dresses screwed up. They made the dresses in the wrong material. Imagine my panic when I opened the box to find a cotton sateen dress that should have been silk. I didn't want to freak Alyson out but I also knew that we had to figure this out ASAP - as it was, we were behind schedule. When I told her I received the dress, I noted that the color was beautiful (ALWAYS pair a positive with a negative). I then confirmed with her that the fabric was in fact wrong and she contacted the company. They said they'd redo them. Then Hurricane Sandy happened, and they were set back even more. Time was of the essence. From then on out, I told Alyson I would handle it. I CC'd her on every email so she wasn't out of the loop, but I wanted her to know that I was taking this off her plate so she didn't have to worry (as much) about it anymore. I made it clear to the dress company that they needed to fix this and quickly. They said they would. Knowing we were short on time, I started to quietly research elsewhere in case we needed to make other arrangements. I was ready to put four new dresses on my credit card... there was NO way I was letting anyone wear cotton sateen to a black tie optional wedding. Not happening.
In the end, the dresses were delivered to my apartment a few days before I left. They were beautiful and worth the trouble. Mine fit like a glove and we all got tons of compliments. Listen, you live and learn. But... I think my bridesmaids will be in J. Crew. Those people know what they're doing. Next!
Do as much as you can. I was very fortunate in that my family attended both of the weddings I was in this year. My parents graciously paid for my plane tickets and hotel room both times, which was a huge help. Listen, it adds up. Dresses, shower gifts, bachelorette parties... I highly recommend starting to set aside money as soon as you're asked to be in a bridal party. It's very expensive to be an adult. My mom and dad were hugely helpful in both instances but I still wish I hadn't shopped so much at the beginning of the year when I knew I had other financial obligations. I wish I'd been more careful with my personal spending, but like I said, you live and learn.
The bride (most likely) understands that while it's an honor for you, it's also a lot to ask. Do the best you can. If the bridal shower and bachelorette party are not held on the same weekend and both require travel, tell the bride you can only afford to attend one and ask which is more important to her. Be gracious. (Go back to the first rule - do NOT complain about expensive airfare or accommodations but if you have to vent to someone, call your mom or someone who is likely to be sympathetic.) Remember, you have a whole year after the wedding to give a gift. If you're spent by the time the big day arrives, wait six months and send them something really great when you have a bit more cash at hand.
Listen and pay attention. I'm clueless. I had no idea how to bustle a dress or take a veil out of an updo. Introduce yourself to the wedding planner/coordinator and don't be afraid to ask questions. I've learned a lot about weddings this year. Know where you're supposed to be and when - for the rehearsal, for the ceremony, for pivotal moments at the reception. Don't be clueless. Be a know-it-all.
Have fun! It's a happy occasion. It's easy to let a milestone such as this highlight your current romantic situation... Are you single? Waiting for your guy to pop the question? Don't. It's about her. Don't make it about you, no matter how tempting. Comparing is far too easy and it rarely ends well.
I once sat through a meal and literally didn't open my mouth once (other than to eat) because the conversation revolved around rings, flower arrangements, and future baby names. And you know what? It sucks. I was single and going through a really rough time and it was a dagger to my heart to sit with engaged friends and feel like such a loser. But you can't expect people to keep quiet about their own happiness because they're afraid of rubbing it in your face. As unfair as it feels to be the odd one out, it's not fair to ask others to tone down their excitement, either. Keep smiling. Get up and dance. Your day will come.
Take it seriously. It's kind of a big deal to stand beside someone on the most important day of their life. No matter how or why they asked you to be up there with them, it is an honor and you should treat it as such. Looking back, I wish I'd been more expressive of how touched I was that each bride asked me to be a part of her day.
I was so concerned with being the "perfect" Maid of Honor for AEG that I literally made myself sick! I was a nervous wreck but everything turned out spectacularly and was completely worth every worry.
(I would put STAY CALM as one of these suggestions, but the truth is that I didn't do it, so I'm not going to tell you to.)
What are YOUR best Maid of Honor/bridesmaid tips? Let's add to the list.
Such a great list! I've been married for 5 years now but have yet to be the MOH of anyone's wedding. I have several single friends and look forward to all the MOH duties! From a bride's perspective this list encompasses everything that I'd want from a MOH. I'm bookmarking it for when my time comes! Thanks!
ReplyDelete"This is SO you!"
ReplyDeleteThose are the ugliest effing invitations I've ever seen in my life.
I was a bridesmaid only once so far and I think my takeaway from THAT experience is this -- if you're going to make out with that friend of the bride (your cousin) & groom that you just met, and even if you end up dating him for the next two plus years, avoid doing so in the garden outside of the glass-walled reception UNDER A SPOTLIGHT.
This is lovely. As are you! I think the most stressful thing for me involving the bridesmaids for my wedding was trying to coordinate everyone. Having someone else deal with fielding questions for me would have been a huge help.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!!
ReplyDeleteVery handy hints, my best friend was married two years ago but did not have a bridal party, she's from Korea and does not really care for the whole mega bridal party deal.
Her son is a soldier and was in Europe for the wedding so she walked down the aisle by herself, which seemed strange but it was a beautiful ceremony.
So with her blessing and appreciation, myself along with her other close friends just kept everything going smooth and helped her out.
I have been a bridesmaid a few times, and yes, the best advice is just do what the bride wants, no questions asked, its her day :)
If I am ever asked to be MOH (if my mom ever re-marries) lol, that may be my best chance, I will definitely do everything i can to keep things running smooth for her.
Such good advice!
ReplyDeleteI"m curious to know where you ordered the bridesmaids dresses... because I was just looking at something similar.
Great post! I can't stress enough how difficult it is to hear how much being a bridesmaid costs. Hopefully the bride is thoughtful and helps out the bridal party any way she can, but I think it's close to impossible to be in a bridal party on the cheap.
ReplyDeleteYour friends are very lucky to have you as a MOH/bridesmaid. :)
Agreed. I'm financially independent, and I'm not sure I could afford some of these suggestions!
ReplyDelete